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AlterNet - Dec 24, 2004
http://www.alternet.org/story/20843/

Osama! Saddam! Santa!

By Abid Aslam and Jim Lobe

Also known by the despicably deceitful alias "Father Christmas," this is a
man who has assembled a massive stockpile of toys and who maintains the
technology to deliver them into the hands of unsuspecting children. Year
after year, Claus has violated rooftops and chimneys and despoiled our
cultural landscape with adoration of gizmos.

With gimmicks of mass decadence (GMDs), our children are being tricked into
questioning authority and turning against us.

To his credit,the President has not allowed the challenges in Afghanistan
and Iraq to distract him from this struggle for civilization's soul.

Even as you read these words, patriots in public service and in business are
harnessing the climate-changing power of pollution to drive Claus and his
diminutive henchmen from their polar reaches.

The latest word from the Far North indicates that we are literally melting
the ice from under Claus, his family, and those legions of evil-doing elves.
With our emissions pouring into the atmosphere, according to an "Arctic
Climate Impact Assessment" released last month, we've already shrunk his
base by 8% in just the past 30 years - an area larger than Texas and Arizona
combined.

We are forcing Claus into an ever-smaller area of operation. He can skate
but he can't hide.

The Arctic is warming at nearly twice the rate of the rest of the world, and
the trend is accelerating. At the very least, half of all Arctic ice will be
gone by the end of the century, making it much harder for Claus to sustain
operations or even physically support his workshops.

The North Pole itself may be completely submerged by then! His reindeer
herds already are under increasing stress, diminishing the GMD delivery
systems on which he has long relied. There is no doubt but that we are
winning. And this strategy is pregnant with collateral benefits. In the
process of melting out Claus, we are raising sea levels. We have raised the
oceans by 3 inches in the past 20 years and we can look forward to a rise of
three feet by the end of the century.

That may not help operations much in high-altitude combat zones like Tora
Bora but it could substantially reduce the number of hearts and minds we
have to win in lower-lying places like southern Iraq.

When the Greenland ice sheet finally floats off into the North Atlantic, sea
level will rise another 23 feet. Floods will seal the fate of vast swathes
of Canada, whence our senior citizens are barraged with life-threatening
cheap prescription drugs.

Declining salinity caused by melting ice could shut down the ocean current
that carries warm water to the North Atlantic. This means that we can turn
Europe into an ice cube. Euro-Gaullism? Bring it on!

Of course, like any war, this will not be cost-free. We will lose southern
Florida and large parts of the Mississippi Delta. But this will be nothing
compared to the blue-state losses. Bye-bye Boston. Hasta la vista Hollywood.
So long, Soho.

To ensure victory against Claus and the icebound ones, we must stand firm
against environmentalists who would have us sign on to the anti-global
warming Kyoto Protocol, just as we righteously scorn those who insist that
quaint notions of human rights and the Geneva Conventions have even the
slightest relevance to the mission that our generation must complete.

Our Arctic endeavor is threatened by the likes of Klaus Toepfer, the head of
the UN's Environment Program and the owner of an Old European name if ever
we saw one. Incredibly, this is what he said when the Arctic report came
out:

"We need, more than ever before, a concerted and renewed international
effort to combat the climate-change problem, one of the most serious threats
to humankind today."

"The Arctic region," Toepfer insinuated, "is like an environmental
early-warning system for the world. What happens there is of concern for
everyone because Arctic warming and its consequences have worldwide
implications."

Duh! Why do you think we're attacking it?

Now is the time to strike a decisive blow against Claus and his mass
consumerism. It won't be easy; there will be difficulty all along the way.
Our children will whimper and bawl. But we do not shrink from sacrifice for
our calling is the future. The rod will not be spared and our children will
not be spoiled. And one day they will thank us for slaying the evil that
calls itself Santa Claus.

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