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[Kudos to the Baltimore Chronicle for publishing this.]

Baltimore Chronicle - Dec 28, 2004
http://baltimorechronicle.com/122804AnwaarHussain.shtml

OPEN LETTER:

Happy New Year, Mr. President

Mr. President Sir,

Happy New Year too to your great nation for having ensconced you back
in that White House. Otherwise, the unthankful ones would have us
believe that you, sir, belonged more to the International Criminal
Court, where you should have been taken kicking, screaming and biting
all the way.

I am one of the teeming millions of Muslims. Unlike most of them,
however, I am from among the few thankful ones. I want to wish you a
Happy New Year through this open letter, sir. I will also take this
opportunity to remind the unthankful ones of your stunning feats
through which you have made this world a far safer place than it was
three years back. I will be a bit longish, as I find it hard to
summarize your long and envious record in so short a space.

Happy New Year, too, to your great nation for having ensconced you
back in that White House. Otherwise, the unthankful ones would have us
believe that you, sir, belonged more to the International Criminal
Court, where you should have been taken kicking, screaming and biting
all the way. Ah the whining of the naove, we few know.

The ungrateful ones have a long list of charges against you sir,
stupid as they are. For starters, they accuse you of perverting the
American Constitution through the so-called PATRIOT Act and the world
Constitution by breaking international law and treaties, lying not
just to the Congress but the whole world in your State of the Union
address by advocating for a pre-emptive war based upon non-existent
Iraqi WMDs, crimes against humanity in Iraq and Afghanistan and secret
US prisons around the world, blah, blah, blah.

One can clearly see that these charges are indicative of some very
sick minds. They merit no attention from you, sir. Please continue
doing what you are doing, as with each passing day the world is
virtually turning into a Fort Knox, so secure has it become. The
Osamas are on the run, as are the Zarqawis, a few beheadings in
between notwithstanding.

They don't know, for instance, that with the latest elections in
Afghanistan, milk and honey has, for sure, started to gush forth in
full geysers there. There are signs of prosperity everywhere in
Afghanistan. The skylines of Kabul, Kandahar and Jalalabad are now
dotted with upcoming skyscrapers. Food is in such abundance that even
dogs there are sated and seldom bark. There is no looting, rape,
plunder or murder. Even President Karzai is now feeling safe enough to
drive his armored car to an unprecedented seven kilometers from
Kabul's town center, not very far from the city limits. In short,
every Afghan soul, canines included, is basking in the blissful glow
of your benevolence. That, sir, is some achievement. We few understand
and are grateful.

We are now finding it increasingly hard to ignore the giggles of the
ungrateful every time you say the T-word. Coin some other word,
please. Drop the letter "T", for example, and use the remaining
letters. See, the word "error" rhymes fairly well, and can be used for
some years yet. Consider "error," "errorist," and "errorism." Who
cares about the meanings?

What we do not understand is how we, your hooked admirers, will
continue to get our thrills under this new Afghan administration. Back
then, we had really delighted in the neutralizing of those Afghan
women and children in that marriage party. Remember, sir? I wish I had
been in the cockpit of one of those C-130 gunships. I am sure the
pilots must have been able to virtually see the hopeless terror on the
faces of those terrorist women and children, what with the slow speed
of the C-130 and a cockpit full of gadgetry. It must have been lovely
with all these terrorist women and children trying to hide behind
small bushes in open fields, and your brave pilots turning them into
pulp with disdainful flicks of their trigger fingers.

Wow. Not that your pilots did a bad job, but we were sorry to hear
later that only 200 of them could be neutralized; the other hundred
got away. Terrorists' mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and children
are all terrorists. We are one with you on that and we understand, the
grumblings of the ungrateful not withstanding. They just don't seem to
understand that the battle for liberty and freedom sometimes requires
liberating some souls from their miserable existences too. We hope
Rumsfeld and Condi are quickly able to come up with something. With
their undying love for Muslims, and a little help from Wolfowitz, we
should be seeing that kind of action soon again. We are not
disheartened.

There is no end to the antics of the unthankful. One is sick at their
joy when a brave American falls victim to the Afghan brutes. That
those courageous Americans died defending some other Afghans' right to
junk food and freedom is a fact lost on them. They'd rather start
blaming a complete news blanket, allegedly thrown by your minions to
fool Americans back home, for the full facts not emerging to the
outside world. They claim, to the horror of those of us who do
understand, that things there are much worse. That a steady stream of
body bags is flying out of Afghanistan to America and destinations
west. That there is a word on the wind that the Afghan rebels are
getting their horses ready for a game of Buzkushi. That the rules of
the game were slightly changed when the Soviets were occupying
Afghanistan and live Russian soldiers were then used in the game
instead of slaughtered sheep. That they intend to follow the same
rules, and a collect call to Putin would confirm those.

Nonsense all. That these are outright lies, we know and understand.
Firstly, there are not that many Afghans and their horses left, after
the rich doses of Daisy Cutters that you administered them, who could
now re-muster the numbers and courage to take on your valiant
soldiers. Secondly, with the fearless Northern Alliance soldiers
policing the countryside, no one dare as much as look askance at your
braves. We, sir, do not believe a word of it. Yet prudence demands
that you do make a small little call to this Putin guy and learn the
rules. There is no telling what these monsters are up to. It is better
to be prepared rather than taken unawares. After all, your braves have
gone a little soft on online porn, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Spice
Girls.

>From Iraq, too, we hear similar outrageous stories coming out. For
example, they say that your G.I. Joes are now deserting in hordes.
That they are paying the Kurds up north thousands of dollars to get
smuggled into Turkey, from where they are disappearing into thin air,
only to reappear in cooler climes. That the Mosul bombing is only the
beginning of more horrific surprises to come. That the so-called
''Sunni Triangle' is a figment of your imagination and your not having
learned your geometry lessons very well. That in fact the whole Iraqi
population is up in arms against your benign occupation and it is not
a question of triangles, circles and rectangles.

That the series of bombings that left hundreds of innocent Iraqis dead
and scores of others injured were in fact planted by your cohorts to
drive a wedge between Shias and Sunnis. That in Fallujah and some
other Iraqi cities, despite having killed the citizens of those cities
to their hearts' content, your 'Bart Simpsons' are now so spooked that
they are shooting at their own shadows after having shot out all the
goats and sheep. That they are now jumpy to the extent that in broad
daylight they cannot tell the difference between a five-year-old
toting a schoolbag and a full-grown adult wielding a Bazooka. That due
to the deteriorating aim of your nervy warriors, the hospitals are now
overflowing with mis-shot dead and dying Iraqis who otherwise
sympathized with your occupation of their country. That the trade in
body parts has really picked up, what with the rich harvest of dead
Iraqis all over. That the only reconstruction in Iraq is in a few oil
wells for the express purpose of providing this stuff to the needy
Israelis. So on and so forth.

All drivel, this. We don't believe a word of it and continue to
understand your actions that, as always, speak exactly as loud as your
words. Why these fools cannot understand simpler facts of life, is
something beyond us few. For starters, how could the reconstruction
begin when the destruction is not even half way through despite your
best efforts? Then desertions and American soldiers, unbelievable. We
are sure that it is some double-pincer attack that your able Generals
sitting in their austere command centers in Florida have planned to
envelop the Iraqi resistance from both north and south. And what if
your poor Israeli friends do get a few drops of Iraqi oil? They do,
after all, consume a lot of this stuff keeping those tanks, aircraft
and armored personnel carriers going to snuff out the cursed
Palestinian terrorists and their damned stone-throwing children. And
to kill these hooligans with their brethren's oil is a pleasure known
only to you and us few.

To be honest, sir, these Muslims have a habit of complaining and
wailing. Do not be distracted by their noises. We few are proud of the
way you are conducting your affairs between the Israelis and the
Palestinians. I mean, look at these Palestinian cowards blowing
themselves up in the midst of Israelis. We simply do not understand to
what depths these cowards can sink. We all know how Muslims
proliferate. Their lives are not at all equivalent to those who have
your blessings.

Moreover, a man half as intelligent as you, Mr. President, can see the
abject spinelessness of taking one's own life for a dim little cause.
Anyone could do that. Why can't the unthankful ones understand these
simple facts? And then these Palestinian terrorists have the cheek to
simply die away with their victims and deprive your friends of a nice
little talk in the cozy privacy of one of their jails. Cowardice is
written large all over these acts. How unreasonable can Muslims become
sometimes? We often wonder. Although some of us do think that you went
a little too far in calling this Sharon character a man of peace they
keep showing pictures of small Palestinian babies with holes in their
chests the size of a grown man's fist yet again they miss the point.
These babies are like little snakes. Allowed to grow, they will turn
into hydra-headed monsters and then it will be too late. Better now
than later.

Don't know why they call Sharon, such a tenderly caring man that he
is, as the Butcher of Sabra and Shatilla? These stone-throwing kids
are indeed a grave danger to the entire world, we few know for sure.
Sharon does this with a heavy heart, we recognize and appreciate . He
only needs a little understanding from us Muslims. Do advise Sharon to
file off those fangs, though. Every time he opens his mouth they show,
and friends like us are at a loss to justify the next peace Nobel for
him.

But, to our utter frustration, the ungrateful ones don't stop there.
They get wilder in their accusations from this point onwards. They
refer to your famous "we will smoke 'em out of their holes" speech and
ask how did you know in advance that Saddam would be recovered out of
a hole in the ground? They claim that you either put him there to make
your words prophetic, or Saddam already knew his role in the drama and
just crept in there to pleasure your grace. Here we few find ourselves
at a total loss. We continue to understand nonetheless, I hasten to
add. Though with each passing day we seem to understand more than we
actually know, yet onwards we march.

Do you at least get some time for quiet contemplation, Mr. President?
Or won't the Rummy, Dickey, Condi and Wolfie gang allow you that, for
fear of your finding out the truth? Do you sometimes suspect that this
gang took you for a ride?

The ungrateful ones, though, don't give us any respite. They then ask
where are Saddam's WMDs? And where is Osama? Has he disappeared into a
hole of another kind or something akin to a hole in Alice in
Wonderland? He did appear just in time for your elections, but only
just. We hope he is not enjoying some poolside dinners in your august
company with Saddam's WMDs tucked safely away in the White House
basement. That would put us, your diehard devotees, in a real
quandary, though we would continue to understand.

Few of the really demented ones, from among the unthankful, really fly
off the handle with some of their false insinuations. They start
comparing, for example, Osama Bin Laden's scorecard with yours, and
proudly point out Osama's feat of having slaughtered 2,500 human
beings in just one go on 9/11. A self-defeating argument if there ever
was one. They forget that your number has already crossed 100,000 and
is rising by the hour. They forget too that while you also make no
distinction between combatant, non-combatant, man, woman, old or
young, you have thrown in children for good measure. How many dead,
dying or crippled children, for example, does Osama have to his
credit? Unfairness at its worst, one must say. They also forget the
1.5 million Iraqis that your father killed. How unjust. After all,
that was in the family too. Above all, they forget, sir, that there
are four full years of your august presidency ahead. Who knows? You
may go for the red button one of these days and really Neokon the hell
out of these ugly ingrates. Duh. We few are sure to have the last
laugh then.

They then refer to the 190-odd billion dollars that you have spent so
far on your war on terror, not to include the further countless
billions for next year, or over one trillion dollars estimated over
the next 10 years. They claim that for less than one-tenth of this
amount you could have turned these countries into rose gardens--places
not exactly conducive to the growth of your so-called "terrorist"
variety. They rub the salt further by quoting one of your own
ex-presidents, Dwight D. Eisenhower, as having said:

'Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired,
signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.' Potential terrorists,
they add. What should we do sir? We are dumbfounded, though we
continue to understand.

And while at that, sir, do stop using this word "terror" a little too
often. Although you look something ` la Mona Lisa, with your beautiful
derisive smirk, saying this famous T-word, some other jokers are using
it to extend their own wicked agendas. You being who you are, your
mantra is taken up by these Machiavellis around the world, and their
absurd overuse of this word renders your practice futile. For however
much that we the understanding ones try, we are now finding it
increasingly hard to ignore the giggles of the ungrateful every time
you say this T-word. Coin some other word, please. Drop the letter
"T", for example, and use the remaining letters. See, the word "error"
rhymes fairly well, and can be used for some years yet. Consider
"error," "errorist," and "errorism." Who cares about the meanings?

We also hear that you were shocked at a report of your Advisory Group
that the level of hostility in the Muslim world against the US has
reached an unprecedented level. Firstly, sir, stop forming such think
tanks, which cause stress to your gracious self by misleading reports
on such petty issues. These are more "tank" than "think" anyway.

Secondly, this Muslim world must be on planet Mars for someone to have
found out its thinking, feeling, grievances and aspirations. The one
on planet Earth is unrepresented, unheard, disenfranchised and
voiceless. Just order this Kofi man to sign a few more fig leafs and
scram. Then watch the leaders of this same Muslim world falling over
each other to save your boys from getting shot to doll rags in Iraq
and Afghanistan, hostility or no hostility. We can already see a few
straining at the leashes to bail you out. After all, if the life of
even a single blue-blooded American "Johnny Bravo" can be saved at the
cost of a few useless Muslim ones, why not? Good riddance is just one
of the side-benefits of that. We few know and understand.

A few requests now, sir. Would you please Neocon these North Koreans
to kingdom come for revealing the secret of Rumsfeld being a
psychopath? I mean, everyone knew it, only nobody was saying it in so
many words. There was no need. It is another matter that genuine
psychopaths the world over have taken a strong exception to this
insult. We hear they intend taking the North Koreans to court for
this. This trend of revealing closely guarded secrets cannot be
allowed to go on. What if they next reveal that you are actually
"Sonic the Hedgehog" masquerading as the President of United States?
Now, where would that leave us? And while you are ordering that Neokon
strike, would you also consider tying this Guardian cartoonist Steve
Bell to the missile for making such a mockery of your noble features?
Even we, your ardent admirers, sometimes cannot suppress the odd
spontaneous laughter, though we continue to understand.

On a more serious note, sir, do you sometimes, in your moments of
quiet contemplation, really think that you have made this world a
safer place? Do you have a handle on the emerging world situation? Do
you have a clue why a German newspaper called your performance before
the 58th UN General Assembly session as 'from a big mouth to a
beggar'? Do you at least get some time for quiet contemplation? Or
won't the Rummy, Dickie, Condi and Wolfie gang allow you that, for
fear of your finding out the truth? Do you sometimes suspect that this
gang took you for a ride? Would you recognize the truth if it hit you
in the face? Do you know what is meant by "quiet contemplation"?
Whatever the answers, we continue to understand.

That is all for now, sir. I will keep writing to you as and when
further occasions to reaffirm our gratitude arise. I can see Iran and
Syria emerging on the horizons. We are awaiting the action with a
gleeful anticipation. Hope you do not blink, sir.

Happy New Year, Mr. President.

Happy New Year, America.

I remain,

A nameless, faceless Muslim.

P.S.: The word is slowly now coming out that, after having been sworn
on their Holy Book before entering the town with guns blazing, your GI
Joes also shot all the livestock in Fallujah. Would you please tell us
if that Book contained the following passage?:

I Samuel 15:3, "Now therefore go, and smite Amalec, and utterly
destroy all that he hath; spare him not, nor covet any thing that is
his; but slay both man and woman, child and suckling, ox and sheep,
camel and ass."

[Copyright 2004 by Anwaar Hussain. The writer, a former officer of the
Pakistan Air Force, is now based in the United Arab Emirates. This
story is published in the Chronicle with permission of the author. Mr.
Hussain may be reached by email at eagleeye@ emirates.net.ae.

Copyright ) 2004 The Baltimore Chronicle. All rights reserved.
This story was published on December 28, 2004.]

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